Catherine's Book Corner & Group Therapy update

Hello RRC families!

We hope you're having a great summer. Catherine Cook is back in this month's newsletter with a series we're calling Catherine's Book Corner. Before you dive into that, I also wanted to share an update on the Fall Group Program at the RRC.

Here is the tentative lineup:

Friendship & Emotions for Elementary School Kiddos: Tuesdays, 5:30pm

New Group: Teen Anxiety Group: Wednesdays at 5:30pm

Friendship & Emotions Group for Middle Schoolers: Thursdays at 5pm

Social Skills: Fridays at 3:45pm (this group may split into two sections depending on interest)

New Group: Parenting Group: Fridays at 3:45

If you're interested in any of these groups, simply respond to this newsletter, or email me directly at: kate.taylor.phd@gmail,com.

Have a wonderful August!

Dr. Kate

For anyone who knows me or has been in my office, you know I love books. Books are and have been my coping skill since childhood. I can still recite parts of my favorite childhood book. For your sake, I will not recite it here. My book collection has expanded since being a therapist. Parents ask for recommendations on books to help them understand their children, how to parent in the days of social media, and to know they are not alone in their parenting journey. I am sharing a book today that focuses on attachment parenting and the neuroscience behind attachment: Raising Securely Attached Kids by Eli Harwood, MA, LPC. 

I am focusing on 3 topics covered in the book. This is not an exhaustive list. Other topics covered are structure, routine, conflict, tough conversations, repair work, and your child growing into an adult.

Cooperation/Connection v Control

“Cooperation is less about ‘I am in charge’ and more about ‘I’m here to help you.’ Secure parenting is not a battle between wills; it is a meeting of hearts of mind” (p. 39). Cooperation involves regulation from the parent. Regulated brains help us to be less reactive. When we focus on connecting with our children, seeing their perspective, seeking cooperation, we will naturally regulate more. But, are they getting away with things if we do not exert some control and discipline? The answer is no! 

When children feel cared for in their challenging emotions and behavior, we are not rewarding the negative behavior, we are helping them to feel safe and calm. Which, in turn, helps them to access the part of the brain that rationalizes, making it easier for them to process what triggered the behavior and learn positive alternatives to coping with that trigger. (p. 57)

By taking an approach focused on connection and cooperation I can calm my child, keep myself from being reactive, and teach them what to do differently. 

Neuroscience of Feelings

Feelings are the names we give to the physical sensations we feel in our bodies in response to events. When we reflect what children show us, we teach them to name the feeling, what is happening in their bodies, and make connections between events and subsequent feelings. When an environment is created where children feel safe to show their array of emotions, they learn “My feelings are valid, I am loved, and there is space for me.” This builds resiliency.

When a child (or anyone) is dysregulated and feeling emotional pain in our presence, whether that is sadness, shame, anger, or fear, mirroring occurs when we allow our nervous system to “catch” and recognize what they are feeling, and then communicate that received feeling state through expression on our face…[this] helps their neural firing to calm. (p. 108).

Correction in a New Light

How many of us were raised to obey and honor the authority figure and what parents say is right and the final word? Anyone besides me? However, recent child neuroscience research contradicts this. Harwood shares the neuroscience research and teaches a new way of correcting our children while maintaining their confidence, keeping ourselves regulated, and honoring essential boundaries.

The formula for responding to our child’s internal state while redirecting their external choices goes like this: “I see you are feeling _________ and that you want __________. Those things are fun/nice/tasty. We can’t do ____________ because of _____________, but let’s try ____________, which is a smarter/safer/healthier version of _____________, so that you still feel____________________. (p. 121)

I am not saying and neither is Harwood, that when your child is on the roof about to jump, you stop and have a conversation with them. This phrasing may occur after your child is off the roof, on solid ground, and you aren’t panicking. She covers that too. 

Harwood’s message is focused on hope that we can make changes. We can repair what we rupture. We can come together and learn a new way of relating to others. We can create lasting relationships full of love. 

And when we share our pain with safe and loving people, we not only heal, we become more resilient than we were before we went through the hard thing. This is the greatest protection of all: to know that we are not alone in navigating our pain.