It's November, and Catherine Cook is back with a Part 2 to last month's newsletter on Bullying versus Meanness. Before I leave it to Catherine, in the spirit of Thanksgiving this month, let me quickly mention quickly how grateful I am for the invested and caring families and wonderful children and adolescents that come to the Rochester Resiliency Center, and for the absolutely wonderful, invested and caring therapists that work here with me.
Please also note that there is a group therapy program at the bottom of this newsletter and check out last year newsletter on https://www.resilientrochester.com/post/teachingkidsgratitude.
Rhetorical question: How many of you have had the dreaded phone call from the principal’s office? The principal tells you that your child punched someone, said something mean, pushed someone, or bullied someone. It is a heart stopping moment. As a parent, you may feel shame and embarrassment. That may change to anger towards your child. There may come a feeling of helplessness. Where do I go from here?
The natural reaction upon receiving the dreaded phone call, may be to yell at or ground your child. But let’s take a moment and go back to last month’s newsletter. Bullying is a verb. Your child is not a bully, your child is bullying. Remembering this distinction can help settle our emotional reaction and refocus us to seeing our child for who they are. Your child is not a label. Your child is growing and learning. And your child needs to be taught a different way and taught additional skills. This is where I sometimes get asked “If I don’t discipline or give a consequence isn’t my child getting away with the behavior?” Not necessarily. The word discipline comes from the word disciple which means student. To discipline a child means to teach. Take a moment to consider “what do I want to teach my child?” “ What skills does my child need?” How can someone change if they do not know another way? “But I’ve taught them to be respectful!” I believe you! And this situation warrants more teaching. As parents we are constantly learning and teaching because this is a process.
Approach your child once the emotional reaction has eased and you are thinking clearly.
Let your child know you received a call from the school.
Invite your child to share his/her story. You only know what someone else told you. Give your child a chance to have a voice.
Listen with intent. Focus on your child. Give your child undivided attention. No phones, no interruptions. Provide nonverbal cues or small verbal cues to show interest.
Listen without judgment. Your child is most likely feeling shame and perhaps anger already. Your judgments will only escalate the emotion and may lead to emotional shutdown.
When your child finishes, offer validation. Validation does not mean you condone the behavior. You are looking for the kernel of truth in what they told you. Did they mention feeling angry? Did they mention someone doing something to them? Validate what is true for your child. This builds connection which then leads to a child accepting correction.
If you have any confusion, ask for clarification.
“Help me understand.”
“Tell me more about…”
“I’m confused about…”
Approach with curiosity–Use open ended questions! It gets kids talking more.
“I’m curious if you have ideas about how this could have gone differently.”
“I’m wondering how I can help you.”
As you work in collaboration with your child, you begin to teach your child other ways of coping.
Explain that this behavior is not okay and hurts others. BE GENTLE! It’s easy to start shaming without realizing it. This is also a great place to teach empathy and perspective taking skills.
“I know we’ve talked about respect before. Tell me what respect means to you.”
“I’m wondering how you would feel if someone treated you like that.”
“How do you think Billy feels right now? I wonder what you could do to help him feel better.”
End with letting your child know how much you love him/her.
If you still feel the need to give a consequence ensure the consequence matches the behavior.
Example: Bullying someone while gaming–they cannot use that game for a week
Example: Write or give an apology (this is powerful for children and hard to do.)
Consequences need to be decided upon thoughtfully between the adults involved in the child’s caregiving and followed through.
If you want to take it a step further, ask the child what he/she feels is an appropriate consequence. Collaboration is key!
Some key things to remember with bullying behavior is that sometimes children feel better after bullying. It is a dopamine release and once someone feels the goodness of dopamine they want it again and again. We need to learn why they enjoy this and that they can get the same feeling in a healthier way. In addition, some individuals engage in bullying because they are hurt or angry. We can only hold onto intense emotions for so long before they release. Whatever gets repressed will get expressed. That begs the question, how do I help my child appropriately express intense emotions?
Pulling your child’s therapist, school counselor, or other trusted adults in can greatly benefit a child. The child will learn there is a team behind them that cares, and wants to help them. It is empowering for anyone to know they are not alone. It gives your child a support system to fall back on. It helps you to share the load of a difficult situation. And together, you can teach your child empathy and skills that build lasting changes.
Group Therapy Program update: Rochester Resiliency Center is here to support our clients. Due to high levels of interest on the Middle School Peer Support Group, we be running two groups a week. The purpose of this group is to support individuals who are navigating the complexities of friendships, changes, relationships in general, and school challenges. The group will be offered weekly on Wednesday evenings from 6:00-7:30 pm for females. The group will be facilitated by Catherine Cook, MHC, and Carrie Gardner, LMHC. The second group will be offered on Fridays after school from 3:30-4:45pm for males. The group will be facilitated by Catherine Cook, MHC and Kate Taylor, PhD.
If interested, please go to our new patient link at New Patients (resilientrochester.com) to sign up. Enter your child(ren)’s name, subject box: middle school group, and in the textbox let us know you are interested in receiving more details.
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