This month’s newsletter is brought to you by Catherine Cook, MHC. Be sure to read to the end to check out the new group that the RRC is offering.
Bullying versus Meanness: What we can do to help our children.
School is back in session. The leaves are changing, the weather is growing more crisp. The changes in weather and schedules can bring excitement, and there may be a bit of trepidation. As children settle into the new school year, we might hear the first reports of so-so saying something mean, kids feeling left out, or someone laughing at them, and we may begin to wonder, is my child being bullied? And if so, how do I stop this?
First, let’s examine the difference between bullying and meanness. And let’s approach both with a mindsight that these are verbs. They are actions that someone is taking and not a description of their character. This is important to help our children recognize this to avoid them falling into traps of labeling others based on behavior.
Bullying (v) can be remembered by the 3 Ps: purpose, pattern, and power.
Purpose: Deliberate acts of aggression.
Pattern: It happens repeatedly. There is an identifiable frequency and pattern.
Power: There is a power differential. The other child may be bigger, older, faster, or stronger.
When all three Ps are present, that is a bullying situation. Compared to situations where kids are behaving meanly, we will not see the pattern of behavior or a power difference. It may be an impulsive act due to escalated emotions and a momentary desire to hurt someone.
You may be thinking, okay that’s great and all but what do I do? I can’t let someone hurt my child. And you’re right. Children should not fear going to school because of the actions of others. Here are tips for when your child comes home and tells you that someone said something mean to them, like “shut up”, or “we don’t want you to play with us”, or they’ve been teased for several days about their hair or clothes. What’s next?
Do not freak out! You may want to immediately call the school, the parents, the teachers. It is natural to want to protect your child and that will only cause the child to feel that this situation is too much and may create feelings of helplessness.
Sit down with your child and thank them for telling you and trusting you.
Invite them to tell you more.
Validate your child and that what happened was not okay and they have the right to feel hurt and let them know you are there for them.
Brainstorm solutions. What is the next step? Get your child involved in coming up with solutions to teach them problem solving skills and that they have the power to do something.
Act on the decision that was decided during the brainstorming session.
Follow-up with your child on the outcome. You may need to go through these steps a few times, and that’s okay. You and your child are learning together how to navigate the situation.
Remember if there were easy solutions to this, there would be no more bullying or meanness.
Part of working with our child where bullying and meanness is involved is teaching them assertiveness skills. Assertiveness is not a quick quip back to the other child. It means that they are empowered to stand up for themselves.
Teach your child easy phrases such as “stop that,” “knock it off,” or “ not funny.”
Speak with confidence, meet someone’s eyes, and stand within proximity of the individual.
Let your child know it is okay to walk away.
Create a safety plan, if needed. Is there a friend that can help, a safe adult, or a different space in the classroom for your child to go? If another trusted adult is part of your child’s brainstorming session and plan, ensure that the adult knows and works directly with your child.
Sometimes a situation may warrant more involvement from parents, such as daily acts of aggression, or your child not wanting to return to school because of it. And parents need to be careful how they go about it. If the situation needs a stronger parental presence here are some tips. Just as we ask children to not act out of anger, parents need to also not act out in anger because that will not solve the problem. Approach the situation with collaboration in mind.
Ask to schedule an appointment with the principal and/or teacher.
Discuss the situation openly with them. Share what your child reported to you and the solutions you worked on with your child.
If necessary and relationship allows, approach the other parent directly. Explain the situation and ask how you can work together to resolve it.
Being a parent is hard work and it is exacerbated by knowing your child is hurting because of another’s actions. Take these opportunities and use them to teach your child. Teach them conflict resolution, problem solving, assertiveness, perspective, empathy, and how to be a friend to others. Create open dialogues to teach your child you are there no matter the situation. It can take a village to navigate the complexities of parenthood and remember you have support here with us.
Rochester Resiliency Center is here to support our clients. In response to individual requests, we will begin offering a middle school peer support group. The purpose of this group is to support individuals who are navigating the complexities of friendships, changes, relationships in general, and school challenges. The group will be offered weekly on Wednesday evenings from 6:00-7:30 pm. The group will be facilitated by Catherine Cook, MHC, and Carrie Gardner, LMHC. If interested, please go to our new patient link at New Patients (resilientrochester.com) to sign up. Enter your child(ren)’s name, subject box: middle school group, and in the textbox let us know you are interested in receiving more details.
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