The Bedtime Blues

Happy March! We're getting closer and closer to spring and I am personally counting down the days. In the March newsletter, Catherine Cook, LMHC, is talking about regulation and sleep. Enjoy!

When my kids were little, bedtime was either a time of snuggles and connection or a time meltdowns and frustration. In the middle of elementary school, my daughter would come out to report on what we named her “9pm ailments.” My favorite of all the ailments was “my toe itches.” We learned later that she had nightly panic attacks. We were smarter the next time around when our youngest also showed up in our room most nights. By then we learned that he craved connection and co-regulation to manage his panic attacks. We started with him sleeping in our bed, then moving to a bed I made for him on the floor next to me, to hugs and hand holding as enough for him regulate and return to his room. 

The more I learn, the more I realize that regulation is at the core of everything. Regulation is a practice. If I want to be regulated, I need to consistently practice it. Kids and adults alike are constantly learning how to regulate. When children become scared they seek out connection to regulate their nervous system and return to a state of balance. 

For some children, nighttime increases anxieties. Bedtime is time of separation from parents, which is hard for many children. Nighttime is darker, they may be alone in a room, there are lights outside, their mind is left to wander, or creaky floorboards. In the daytime, children can easily see what something is or have companionship and can more easily work through anxieties. But nighttime is different. The amygdala is trained to spot danger and send out warnings to protect us. Once the amygdala sends the signals of danger, we are primed for action to survive the danger. It may come out as crying, running away, screaming, or sleeping with a parent. Sleeping with a parent, soothes the nervous system. It sends signals back to the amygdala that there is safety, the body relaxes, and we return to sleep. Maybe not for the parents, but it does explain why kiddos are eager to get in bed with us.

To help our children learn to regulate their nervous system, we start by regulating ours – especially during the day. What can you do everyday to help you? Is it sipping your coffee more slowly, taking a walk, listening to an audio book, turning up the music and dancing to a favorite song? While we build your habits, let’s help build our children’s habits. 

Bedtime Regulation Tips:

1. Turn off all electronic devices 1-2 hours before bedtime.

2. Have an established bedtime routine that is predictable and connection filled.

3. Use soft lightening to signal to the brain it is time to rest and release melatonin. 

4. Practice a moving meditation before bed.

5. Supported stretching, such as Yin Yoga.

6. Induce rest and relaxation with Restorative Yoga.

7. Practice laying down and doing Butterfly Tapping paired with slow deep breaths.

8. You can try aromatherapy through diffusers or massage scented lotion into your hands and feet. Using the same scent can help the brain to recognize bedtime clues.

9. Keep the room a bit cooler.

10. Practice a mantra together “I’m safe enough because…” “I’m brave enough because…”

11. Provide comfort items, such as blankets, stuffies or even a pet. 

12. Try reading, listening to audio books, or soothing music as you lay in bed. 

None of this will suddenly change nighttime. It will teach your children that they are safe enough and brave enough to allow the worries to come and that the worries will eventually leave. It builds their skills of regulation, increases their tolerance to distress thus building resiliency.