Rupture & Repair

“The cycle of reciprocity, rupture, and repair is the nature of healthy relationships.” 

-Deb Dana

Hello Families!

Welcome to June. With this being a very busy time for families, Catherine is here with a tip about what to do after the stress and burn out catches up with you and you're not so patient with your child.

Hope you have time to enjoy the nice weather (we've certainly earned it).

Dr. Kate

With all the social media posts and books out there, there appears to be a secret to being the perfect parent, friend, partner,employee, and overall person. I can feel all my feelings and never lash out. I can have endless patience with my kid crying and yelling. My boss can give me more assignments and I’ll still get a homemade dinner on the table. Yeah right. Cereal for dinner here we come. 

The truth is we all lose it. We yell at our kids and partners. We ghost friends and families. We forget to respond to someone or we double booked ourselves. We have a choice in how to respond when this happens. Last week ended a 16 week program on how to effectively be angry for a group of 4th, 5th, and 6th graders. We wrapped up our group with how to apologize. After we make the inevitable mistake, repairing the rupture is vital to maintaining healthy relationships. 

In our group I modeled giving an apology. “I’m sorry I pushed you but you were in my face.” All the kids agreed that was a terrible apology and told me they would not accept it. We dug deeper into what they heard in my words. Things like “it wasn’t genuine,” “it didn’t feel sincere,” or “I don’t like it” came up. They could emotionally feel that I actually wasn’t sorry at all, even in this fake situation. I tried again. “I’m sorry that I pushed you. I got upset and I should have taken a step back instead. I’ll try not to do it again.” The kids agreed this was a true apology and one they would accept. 

What makes the difference? A sincere apology follows 3 important steps. 

1. Reflect on your actions: What did I do or say? How did this impact the other person? What could I have done differently? 

2. Take responsibility: Acknowledge what you did openly and honestly.

3. Listen and improve: If the person needs to share their feelings back, you listen without interruption until the end, and then acknowledge what you will do differently.

As stated above, healthy relationships are reciprocal, will have a rupture, and can be repaired. By practicing offering a sincere apology, others around you will feel your authenticity. For more information, I will let the experts do the rest of the talking. Brene Brown and Harriet Lerner break it down in a podcast from a few years ago. Happy listening! And happy apologizing!